Help: My Kid is Suicidal
The Facts:
As a parent, you can approach suicide prevention the same way you would other health issues for your children – by educating yourself, you can learn what puts kids at the greatest risk for suicide and what protects them most strongly.
Is It Normal Teenage Angst or Is There Something Wrong With My Kid:
Check in with your child regularly – beyond just day-to-day tasks such as homework. If your child has a history of depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, self-harm, or substance abuse you should monitor them more closely and consider involving a professional, either at key times or for the longer term for more chronic conditions.
As children hit puberty, there are changes going on that can and do also lead to behavioral changes and is a normal part of adolescent development. Some red flags that should be concerning are indications of hopelessness, worthlessness, a withdrawal from friends and activities, and suicidal thinking or behavior.
You know your child – their usual patterns, their common reactions, what their good and bad days look like. Trust your instincts if their behavior goes beyond this “normal” for your child. It’s worth engaging them in conversation to get a fuller understanding of what they’re experiencing so you can provide support and get a better sense of how severe it is.
How To Approach:
It can be very terrifying when your child says they want to harm or kill themselves, particularly if someone you love has completed suicide. Your child is trying to communicate something to you using words they know are powerful to underline their level of distress.
As difficult as it may be, it’s important to remain calm – you don’t want to convey a sense of panic. Take a step back, take some deep breaths, and check in with your child. Do not assume anything, do not accuse them of anything – your job in this moment is to tune in and find out what they are trying to let you know. You can begin this by saying in a calm voice “I can see you’re upset and you’re trying to tell me something, help me understand what is going on”. Ask in a gentle voice “I heard you say you want to kill yourself, what do you mean by that?”.
If your child says they are really thinking about hurting or killing themselves, has made a suicide attempt in the past, is utilizing substances, and/or they have made an attempt in the past – it is STRONGLY recommended that you take your child to a mental health professional skilled in evaluating youngsters for suicidal risk. Even if the professional doesn’t see imminent risk, they may recommend treatment to help your child deal with their distress and assistance in helping you manage with the accompanying anxiety making sure your child is ok.
Compliment your child for being able to express what they’re feeling – the more precisely the better – even if those feelings are painful and even if they involve you. You can ask directly, “how can I help?”. They may not know, but they’ll appreciate the concern and you’ve set the tone of problem-solving.
Here are some things you can do that may help:
· Let them know you’re in this together and you care about their hurt. It won’t always hurt this much.
· If their emotions are affecting their ability to do schoolwork, speak with their teacher and see if some modifications can be put in place until your child is regulated and in a safer place.
· If they’ve been feeling cut off from you, try making some time each day to connect one on one. Plan together what fun things you can do together.
· If your child is feeling isolated or needs a safe place to express emotions, you can see if there is a local support group (Didi Hirsch is a great resource) they can participate in.
· Seek out professional help. Individual therapy can be helpful for children who have a lot of feelings to sort out and can help assess and treat your child.
What to say:
Don’t be afraid to have a conversation with your child about mental health and suicide. Ask your child how they’re doing, what’s happening in their world these days. It can start by simply asking “Are you ok?”. Listen intently and without judgement, ask open ended questions. Resist the urge to offer quick fixes or solutions – validate and support their feelings.
What If They Don’t Want To Talk:
Leave the invitation open for later by saying “Whenever you want to talk, I’m here to listen and support you”. You could add “I won’t judge and I’ll never stop supporting you, no matter what challenges you face”. The likelihood is that your child will open up when you least expect it – typically sitting side-by-side rather than face-to-face such as in the car, playing video games, or engaged in some other activity together.
When your teen or child starts opening up, DO NOT fall into the trap of jumping in with a solution or by saying “you should….” or “why didn’t you….”.
What To Do:
Often times when someone is experiencing suicidal ideation, they are experiencing very high levels of emotional dysregulation with low levels of distress tolerance. To help shock the body back into homeostasis, try this Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) technique called TIPP:
Do one activity for each letter then cycle through with 1 activity from each until able to emotionally regulate.
· T - temperature: cold shower, drink cold water, hold an ice cube, splash water on face
· I - intense exercise: fast workouts that get the heart rate up. Burpees, jumping Jack's, sprinting
· P - progressive muscle relaxation: start from the head and work your way down to your toes. Tense each muscle group for 3 seconds, then release for 3 seconds. Repeat 3 times for each muscle group.
· P - paced breathing: breathe in through nose for 4 counts, hold for 7 counts, exhale out mouth for 8 counts.
Common Myths:
· Talking about suicide increases their risks or plants the idea
Asking your child directly about suicide will not increase their risk or plant the idea. It will create an opportunity to offer support and let them know you care enough to have the conversation. You can say “it sounds like you’ve been dealing with a lot lately, does it ever get so tough that you think about ending your life?”.
· They’re only saying it for attention
If your child gives any indication they’ve been thinking about suicide, take them seriously. There were approximately 100,000 teen (15-19 year olds) suicide deaths over the 40 year period between 1975 through 2015. The rate of suicide has unfortunately been rising since.
Resources:
· National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
800-273-8255
· Crisis Text Line
Text “TALK” to 741741
· Crisis Chat Portal
www.didihirsch.org/services/suicide-prevention/crisis-services/
· Teen Line
310-855-4673
· Didi Hirsch
Didi Hirsch – 424-362-2901 | www.didihirsch.org
Groups:
Survivors of Suicide Attempts
Adult Suicide Bereavement Groups
Teen Suicide Bereavement Support Groups
· Parents of Suicide Support Site
· Siblings
Sibling Survivors – www.siblingsurvivors.com
